Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass