Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I hope Alan is OK
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
All is fair in drunk and war.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”