Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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this is so top tier i cant
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Tony Hawk, age 6
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.