Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
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My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”