Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
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Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Yep.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
What the hell happened here.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁