Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
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ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh