Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?