Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one