Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
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ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Canada has crack?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.