Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
In space, no one can hear…
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.