Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Horrifying if literal: foot locker