Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
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I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Need this in my life lol
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
i wish i could marry a nap