Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this