Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
How to wake up a Beagle
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
2022 will be better than 2021
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
fly smarter, not harder
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.