Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
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Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.