Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.