“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
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I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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