Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
You Might Also Like
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
when nothing goes right… go left
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex