*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
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I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
notice
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.