Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
You Might Also Like
The Weeknd is back
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl