Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.