@mdob11

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

@Kyle_Lippert

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

@LuvPug

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

@TeaPartyCat

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

@HaliPhacks

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

@its_me_your_mom

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

@GingerGander

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

@mastrap84

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

@Lance_Said_This

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.