Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My dad teaching me to drive
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
This makes total sense…
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is