Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently