Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.