*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
You Might Also Like
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
War & Peace
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving