*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
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2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter