*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
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Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.