*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Spider-cat: No One Home
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.