Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
We like the way Dwight thinks
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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