Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
You Might Also Like
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
m’lady
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting