Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
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Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
no cat here
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.