“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
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I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
At least try to make it slightly believable
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”