His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
no one ever comes back
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
My daily affirmation
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel