His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?