“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I hope this email finds you in a well
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson