“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea