His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
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me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
That was easy.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.