His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
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This was my dad’s browser history.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.