his wife is probably gonna see that
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do