Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
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If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert