History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
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my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.