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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
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I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud