History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
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The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.