History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

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student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.


[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]


You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.


I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.


SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.


would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole