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Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I cannot stop laughing at this
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*names my little horse OneTrick*
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Catering service
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Happy Star Wars day!
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*