History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
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I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
More like Kate Missington.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit