Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Somebody’s lying.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.