*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.