Hit me in the face with a bird
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I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?