@CuddleYourCat

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.

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@BobGolen

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@joelebean

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

@zg_irl

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

@Emsrsue

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

@noog

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

@Bunnydurden

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

@meganamram

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other