Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣