[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never